Talking with other parents

Modern etiquette for conversations that everyone will look forward to having again

by Daphne Berryhill

The word “etiquette'' may bring to mind Emily Post’s classic blue book of rules from a hundred years ago. But etiquette is simply about showing respect to other humans and that’s just as relevant today. 

Modern etiquette is more inclusive, more casual, and has less of a snobbery vibe. And as we move towards better understanding individual differences, the golden rule is sometimes only a starting point. Would everyone want to be treated exactly the same way as you would in a specific situation? Maybe, or maybe not. 

But, if you pay attention and stay curious, you might learn how to meet others in the moment while showing respect and finding connection too. And what better way, than in conversation.

Conversation manners that matter

Include everyone

If you’re having a casual conversation with other parents, try to pull everyone into the conversation who might be within earshot. Sure, they might not want to join in, but it’s great to include everyone … and sometimes, the quietest people are the most interesting to talk with.

Don’t stay in your “box”

Parenting groups can sometimes feel a bit cliquish, where birds of the same feather flock together. But middle school is long gone and limiting conversations to parents in similar demographics is just that … limiting. Go ahead and talk with everyone. You might find yourself connecting the most with someone with a different background or lifestyle — or maybe in a different age bracket. And you might even learn something new too.

Leave your judgeyness back in the 90s

Don’t make assumptions about people, period. If you want to get to know someone, you have to remind yourself they are, in fact, strangers. Keep the page blank and catch yourself if you find yourself filling it in for them, while remembering that most of their story you’ll likely never know. 

Don’t let phones get in the way

Our phones are ever-present, but they don’t have to silence conversation. It’s still best to avoid looking at your phone while you're talking with someone. But if you have a reason to keep checking it, like you’re expecting a call or something, just tell the other person. 

Also, don’t assume the person looking down at their phone is too busy to talk. Some people scroll more when they’re bored or feeling awkward; so someone else initiating a conversation with them might even be appreciated.

Make “Wisconsin nice” open to everyone

Wisconsinites have long been known for their casual friendliness and down-to-earthness. While the state is becoming more diverse, most communities are still quite homogenous. It’s easy to forget that not everyone knows what cheese curds are or has gone to a Friday night fish fry. And not everyone celebrates Christian holidays. Finding ways to include everyone is part of another Wisconsin tradition: FORWARD.

Give breathing space - pauses are okay

People are tired, even more true for new parents. Keeping a conversation low-key and low-pressure is the way to go, and that means stops within a conversation are fine, even when the interruptions aren’t due to a crying baby. The last thing new parents need is conversation that is draining, when their energy reserves are likely already low.

Don’t forget old-school basic manners

While the pace of change seems to be accelerating across the board, don’t forget basic, old school, good manners … because they really still do matter. Holding a door for someone. Saying please and thank you. Using someone’s preferred name. Letting others go first and taking turns. Not interrupting. All the things we tell our kids, even though they actually end up learning by watching what we do rather than what we say. And when we do make mistakes, we can model another essential good manner: sincerely apologizing.

Don’t be afraid to be yourself

What if I say the wrong thing? Maybe they’ll think I meant something else. Maybe they won’t like me? Pretty soon, it might feel safer not to say anything at all. Not letting other people get to know you might feel safer than risking not being liked. The truth is, no one is liked by everyone. But if you don’t show up as yourself and let other people see you, the many people who would like you, will never get the chance to even know you.

What topics to avoid … just don’t go there

Beyond the obvious — politics and religion — here are a few other topics to tread carefully in conversations with other parents:

Status

“Where do you work?” or “What do you do?” or “Where’d you go to college?” These might all seem like casual questions but they might also feel like judging or comparing. It’s not that you can’t talk about college and jobs, it’s just that you don’t want the conversation to be based on assumptions or outdated and biased meritocratic standards. It’s also helpful to remind yourself that even the parents that seem to have it all figured out, might also feel disillusioned or confused — running up that hill, just like you are.

Wealth

New parents have always faced financial stress, but today’s rising costs of everything have made it that much harder. Everyone’s baby budgeting nowadays. Lots of people are struggling to pay bills and a growing number are even food and housing insecure. If you’re not struggling with money, keep in mind that it’s possible that the other parent you’re talking with is.

Fertility / pregnancy

These are such sensitive and personal topics that it’s best to avoid questions like “So are you having any more kids?” or “How’s your (or your partner’s) pregnancy going?” And because so much is private, often unseen to others, you might put your foot in your mouth without even knowing, possibly leading to someone feeling uncomfortable … or even worse. Let someone else decide what information, if any, they want to share and support them as best you can from there.

Kid comparisons

It’s natural to want to know if your kid is okay by comparing them to others. And it’s good to bring up any concerns that you may have with your child’s healthcare provider. But it’s best to avoid questions or comparisons about kids’ milestones. Even a comment you might think is totally benign might invoke anxiety. Parents have enough to worry about.

One last thing – LISTEN, really well!

Listening is key to good etiquette, because it’s such an impactful way of showing people respect. But as simple as it sounds, listening is a skill that tends to dull the more time we spend with people we know really well. 

Author Kate Murphy explains in You’re Not Listening, the brain tends to take shortcuts when talking to familiar people — assuming what will be said, rather than listening to what is being said. 

And after the past few years with WFH and fewer gatherings with new people, if you find yourself needing to work on your listening skills, you’re definitely not the only one.

Murphy says that at its core, listening is about being curious. — the more curious you are, the more interested you’ll be in the person you’re talking with and quite likely, the more interesting the conversation will become. 

Also, don’t forget to continue listening, even while you’re talking, says Murphy. Have I lost their attention? Do they seem uncomfortable with a topic? If so, change it up.

So in the end, building enjoyable conversations with other parents might not only lead to new friends, but might also help improve your conversations within your other relationships too. 

A twofer deal every baby-budgeting parent can appreciate.