Back to Basics: Why Open-ended Play, Discovery and Community are Just as Relevant as Ever
Through Changing Trends and Science, Kindermusik has Stayed with Our Family Through it all.
By Daphne Berryhill
When my husband and I were expecting our first child, we began preparing – with books, classes and store-bought stuff. And just when we thought we were ready, we read something else that told us we needed something else and so we bought something else. Sometimes, the new information was the opposite of what we first read, and that we thought we needed, and that we’ve already bought. When my mom had her first child in 1970, there was one book to read, one high chair to buy, and one thing to know – ask Dr Spock. When I had my first child in 2000, there were mega book stores filled with shelves of parenting books. We found our first child’s name – Nora – in a book on a shelf at Borders, a name that has fared better than the store. Picking a name, however, was the easiest part.
Being a parent in the digital age has many advantages. It is great to have answers to any problem at any time, knowing that any weird thing you have wondered has been wondered – and maybe answered – by someone else. There is a downside though. Every decision, big or small, has a weight to it and parents are loaded with information, too much to process or absorb. How can you ignore this new ground breaking research, telling why you need to do this and not that? But before you have time to figure it out, you may be presented with a cloud of contradictory information that makes you feel even more confused and anxious.
Babies provide a solution to this conundrum, making sure we don’t go too far down an information rabbit hole. Their irresistibly cute faces and gurgles pull everyone in, even strangers. Hold me, feed me, love me, carry me. Their piercing cries are impossible to ignore. How can a tiny being scream so loudly and tirelessly? Baby’s fed and dry. Something must be wrong. But that cry was just what she needed to do to make sure that she is seen and heard. And in those moments that soon come, of calm and peace, with your baby in your arms, there is clarity in what matters most. And the flood of information becomes meaningless.
We took Nora to all of her well-baby visits, fed her, bathed and provided safe spaces. Having access to those basic resources is so incredibly important. Having a doctor that listens, answers questions, addresses concerns and explains is invaluable. But, the play space was definitely the most fun part of parenting, and that space fills up everything between sleeping, feeding and crying. As the child grows, the space becomes bigger and finding new ways for play is both an opportunity and a challenge.
Play calls on the creativity of the caregiver, through an iterative process of trying new things, changing things up and then watching.
Is the baby excited with big eyes, with excitedly kicking limbs? Or maybe squealing with delight. Or quietly focused deep in thought. And when a baby is bored, uninterested or over stimulated, if we pay attention, they’ll let us know too. Sometimes, play might be a fascination with how the sunlight filters in through the curtains. Who knew a ceiling fan could be so interesting, but all my babies loved them. Or how intensely interested they become in their own hands when they first discover them. Soon parents find their own dance routine of play with their child, unique to each, but also changing as the baby grows. If we listen, they will teach us what they need, and play is inherent to their unique development.
My husband and I were introduced to Kindermusik in 2000, through our daughter’s first class.
Cock-a-doodle Doo! and Zoom Buggy became the soundtrack to our daughter’s first year. We wanted to expand our daughter’s play into a community space that we could experience together. Having a play space that was a break from the regular routine was important, but also one filled with new routines and faces that would soon become familiar and meaningful.
“Life is a matter of moments, strung together like rain. To try to touch just one drop at a time, to try to count them or order them or reckon their worth – each by each – is impossible. To stand in the rain is the thing. To be in it.” That’s a passage from a book (Echo Mountain by Lauren Wolk) I read last summer with my middle son, and it reminded me of being a parent of a young child. Taking time to share play, music and discovery with your child, lets you stand in the rain for a moment and feel the loving magic that comes with raising a child.
When we had our second child 5 years later, we realized that beyond the basics, we had to start from scratch, learning how to care for him and learning a new dance with a new little person.
Children are our greatest gifts, this is so true, but I also think of children as gifts that you gradually get to open throughout their childhood. You can see pieces to the puzzle early on, but you really can’t see the big picture for years to come. They tell us to grow the tree we’ve got, the only problem is that we start out with a seed that doesn’t come with a package label. There are basic principles of care, but the optimal environment is only discovered through trial and error. Most parents learn this sooner or later through lived experience. Exposing a child to a variety of people, music, animals, safe objects in safe spaces where hands-on exploration is possible is really important, because you really have no idea which exposure will help children at any given time on their own unique trajectory.
We have continued Kindermusik with our four children.
Our youngest son is enrolled in a Level Four class; we don’t know if he’ll continue in music like his older brother, or use these experiences in some other way, but we do know he loves going, is connected and engaged and is being exposed to new ideas through play. If we schedule anything beyond our existing commitments, it really has to be meaningful. And if it’s for fun, then it should be fun. Kindermusik has been both fun and meaningful for our children by providing open-ended opportunities for play within a community. And what we learn through Kindermusik with our child, can be adapted and taken beyond the class.
When I was a younger parent there was so much “ground-breaking science” encouraging parents to raise their child according to a complex, mathematical equation to guarantee a productive adult that can find a place in this high tech, globally competitive STEM world. Around the time our last child was born, we started seeing a cultural shift away from the hyper-parenting that resulted. There is a growing understanding and acceptance that children are not all blank slates that can be shaped into some “ideal” version of an adult. Besides, would we really want an entire generation brought up on Baby Einstein to grow into adult versions of Albert Einstein? What kind of world would that be? And while that thankfully didn’t happen, the mindset caused needless feelings of parental anxiety.
In 2016 the developmental child psychologist Alison Gopnik wrote a book that validated this shift away from outcome-based child rearing. In The Gardener and the Carpenter, Gopnik shows why parents should think of themselves as gardeners rather than carpenters. The contrast is simple. A carpenter creates something fixed – follow this and you get that – whereas a gardener cultivates growth within an ecosystem, through being responsive and nourishing, while fully knowing that it’s not all within your control.
Gopnik advises: “So our job as parents is not to make a particular kind of child. Instead, our job is to provide a protected space of love, safety, and stability in which children of many unpredictable kinds can flourish. Our job is not to shape our children’s minds; it’s to let those minds explore all the possibilities that the world allows. Our job is not to tell children how to play; it’s to give them the toys and pick the toys up again after the kids are done. We can’t make children learn, but we can let them learn.” And I think that’s some of the best advice a new parent can get.
